I’ve noticed something about myself lately that I don’t like and is really not serving me well in my dating life. I cut things off, easily and early. It’s like I don’t have any more patience for anyone anymore. I know this is wrong and I am willing to work on it. I sabotage things. It sucks. I know it’s wrong and unfair, but I can’t seem to bring myself to care. It’s a cycle I’m stuck in and not sure how to get out of. I’m not even sure why I do it? Probably a protective thing.
I get angry and just send a text and say I’m done. I’ve done this over and over the past 3 years. I usually regret it later and sometimes even try and come back. I’m pretty guarded with my heart these days. I do feel ready to share my life with someone, but I am so damn picky. Maybe too picky, I’m starting to think. I need to be more forgiving when a guy screws up.
Sometimes I think I’m testing them, subconsciously — perhaps. Seeing if they’re going to let me walk away so easy or fight for me. Often they don’t. I think it’s a pride thing. Or they don’t realize that’s what part of me wants. Don’t give up on me. Fight for me. Maybe that’s wrong of me. Unrealistic. They aren’t mind readers.
I’ve got to stop doing this. I’m going to end up pushing everyone away and end up being alone forever. Sure, there are certain things you shouldn’t deal with: chronic cheating, lying, rude or abusive behavior. But humans are just humans, bound to make mistakes and let you down. I’m no different.
I hope I can dig into my tired heart and find grace. For someone who actually is worth it. Worth pushing past my fears and trust issues. When you love someone, you forgive and give room for error. I’ve been too reactive — too impatient. Next time, the next person I date let’s me down, I’m going to pause for a moment. Put the phone down. Calm down. Give myself time to think clearly and ask myself if it’s really a big deal.
The worst decisions are often made out of fear. The last two guys I dated are now in relationships, one of them engaged. I haven’t been in a relationship in so long that I think I’ve forgotten just how much work they actually are. Staying in a relationship means inevitably being let down and hurt at times. Maybe I just haven’t been willing to put in the work. I think I’m just now realizing how much work, forgiveness, and compromise it actually requires. It’s so much easier to walk away. I don’t want to, I often feel like I have to. I often end up listening to my head over my heart. My heart wants love and meaningful connection, but my head says leave — take the safer route. Retreat.
No one can get it right 365 days a year. Maybe I don’t want one as bad as I thought I did? Maybe I do. I don’t know. I feel confused at my own dating habits lately. But I know I’m too quick to leave. I need to be more patient. I’m going to try. Change is often painful and uncomfortable, but beautiful in the end.
